If asked “What is the most important job a person can ever have in their life,” I would like to believe the Number One Answer would be Parenting a Child, yet in this 21st Century of existence, that seems to be less and less the case. Not only are we seeing a rise in child neglect (emotionally, physically and socially), but also child abuse and simply a severe lack of understanding of just how important being a parent is. I believe it takes an adult with both social and emotional maturity to raise a child, however, today there is a lack of such competent candidates to take on such a challenge, yet there is nothing from stopping the process of procreation.
I think back to my youth as many can as well and recall first to twelfth grades. Remember when “friends” wanted you all to themselves from other friends, or wanted to get even with or back at their “enemies?” A popular and effective way to accomplish that was to tell you how “Janie or Jimmy were talking bad things about you” or saying you did this or that to upset you enough to say, “I am done with Janie or Jimmy!” It is manipulative, immature, deceptive and downright wrong, but, children’s minds are not fully developed until the age of twenty-four or twenty-five. It’s expected, and should serve as a learning experience during childhood and adolescence. “He/she doesn’t like you!”
Where then does a child go to address these “horrific allegations” that threaten their social status and sense of inclusion when they are being manipulated by controlling “friends?” After all, for a child, “fitting in” and being accepted is paramount! Their developing sense of self and hormonal changes are running rampant in their young brains. To hear that a peer or friend “hates” them, causes catastrophic emotions!
The child’s parent should be well-equipped to assist him or her through such experiences, and help them understand that they are not only about what others think of them or do not think of them, but to understand that some people will want us to believe so to feel better about themselves in some unhealthy way, shape or form. A parent should also be guiding their child to find out for themselves if what they “hear” from others about them is true or false. This is just one example of effective, mature parenting to consider before we continue on into the following issue of Parental Alienation Syndrome.
Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS, was first introduced by Richard A. Gardner, M.D. in 1985. Although not officially recognized as a “disorder” or syndrome in Canada or the United States, it is recognized as a behavior by psychology and the legal system in which after a divorce or separation, one parent takes on the role of the Alienator versus the other parent or Target. The alienator essentially brainwashes the child or children against the other parent or target, in order to control, emotionally punish, teach a lesson to, or otherwise get even with that other parent. This is done over a long process of “mind games” carefully played out by the alienator with the children filled with falsities and accusations against the target parent.
Today, approximately one out of every two marriages survives, which is a startling statistic in itself, but more disturbing is that with such a tremendous number of broken homes and marriages, more children are falling prey to this type of abuse and parental alienation is nothing less than abuse against the children involved and the target parent. Research supports that following a divorce or separation, children fare far better emotionally, socially, medically and academically when they stay connected to both parents who can set-aside their reasons for parting ways, and still share dedication and responsibilities for their children. Conversely, children affected by parental alienation syndrome are more likely to engage in substance abuse, dropping out of school, getting involved in illegal activities and potentially becoming alienators themselves later in life.
What then is causing such a high rate of divorce and PAS? There is currently no defined “mental or personality disorder” to explain the motivation of a parent’s abuse of their children to get even with, or vent their sorrows or anger against their former spouse, yet it is happening more and more. We do know, however, that children being used as “bargaining chips,” pawns or brainwashed into believing that one of their parents is “bad, evil and doesn’t care or love about them,” suffer tremendously psychologically. The fact is that children want a relationship with the targeted parent, but fear him or her due to the progressive brainwashing and repetitive damnation they hear from the alienator.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is currently a very controversial topic. There is little, if any, clinical research to examine cause of it or the effects of it. The reality of PAS however, has landed in Family Courts across the country. It is my opinion that the legal system is not adequately equipped to deal with this type of abuse on its own, and generally becomes a way for the alienator to further manipulate their child or children and punish their former spouse. In most PAS cases presented to a judge (who has no clinical training or authority) “family counseling” is ordered. The problem with that decision is that anyone who is forced into counseling, is automatically angry about it, scared by it, or will not take it seriously. These victims of PAS are already frightened of the target parent! Now they are expected to sit with them for “counseling?” This is contradictory to the purpose!
Secondly, I introduce my belief about who the alienator is and why they believe they have the “right” to emotionally abuse their child or children in order “punish” their ex-spouse or partner. In all of my research of PAS, this person has not been identified, yet there is no other explanation for what they are. The alienator is a narcissist. Narcissists are void of conscience, empathy, love and remorse. This person will use anyone or anything to get what they want, and have no care or consideration of what consequences their actions may have on their victims, which in the case of PAS are their own children’s. They come into one’s life as a “perfect match,” but are truly demons in disguise.
They can be extremely deceiving, convincing and manipulative. Children, for the narcissists are literally “Child’s Play,” because their developing minds and impressionable tendencies are easily won over by a parent who indulges them with gifts, trips, and privileges while dropping demeaning lies and other mind-altering mistruths about their other parent between them along the way.
In my book, “Socialcide: How America is Loving Itself to Death,” I explain in detail the characteristics and causes for narcissism today, as well as the astonishing rise in it in society! Considering that epidemic and the 50/50 chance of a marriage surviving, one can only “do the math” to understand what is happening to our children today and the additional rise of PAS. Frightening!
Narcissists will never, ever admit they were wrong but will always blame someone or something else for their own problems. This personality disorder has an extremely low (if any) success rate from counseling or psychotherapy, and there is no medication to treat it. The court system has no “jurisdiction” in this area of psychology, nor should they. What they can and should do is have the alienator evaluated by a competent, licensed mental health care professional for a “Competency to Parent” evaluation, but no such thing exists to date. What they can do however, is rely on a solid Psychological Evaluation to determine if a parent should or should not have any custody based on their behaviors, what they are saying to their children about their other parent, or if any of the brainwashing allegations are factual or not. The narcissist survives on control. And when he or she cannot control their ex, they will and do use their children to control their ex. It is sad, true and this “behavior” is on-the-rise.
Most laypeople would tend to believe that women are the most likely to be the alienators to get-even with their former husbands or partners. I believe this is a huge injustice to all women. Do not get me wrong though, women certainly can be and are the alienators in PAS cases. However, most divorce cases and child custody cases grant the mother with custodial rights of the children. Unless the mother is clearly a threat to the children or herself in any way (substance abuse, neglect, etc.) courts will grant women the dominant position in caring for her children. This can easily trigger anger, resentment and revengeful ideas in a man now legally responsible for paying child support payments for their own children! (Crazy, right?).
Additionally, when you consider the type of person or more importantly, PARENT who would use their own children’s psychological, emotional and social well-being to make their ex’s life as miserable as possible in order to feel better about themselves, you can only be dealing with a narcissist. By far, narcissism is more prominent in men than women. Any research on the topic will validate that. While it may be true that “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” it is also true that “The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your universe. You relinquish that position to your children” (Jessica Lange). Narcissists ARE the center of their universe, and that is where they remain.
Many of these male alienators have the financial advantage over their ex-wives as well. Then and there they have the means to hire top-notch attorneys making the difficulty for mothers even more complicated in stating their cases and feeling a sense of justice as protection for their children.
Sometimes, male alienators are continuing a pattern of domestic violence following a divorce or separation. Be it emotional or physical, the core issue is CONTROL and they cannot let it go. For these monsters, there is no quick fix, and the court system is lacking greatly in understanding the “whys” and “what to do’s” about such sickness.
Additionally, there is no quick fix to PAS. Children who have been programmed by an alienating parent have a very long way to go in order to be deprogrammed. It is beyond sad, wrong, cruel and unjust. Our society has a long way to go in addressing the realities of PAS as well as what to do about it. What the target parent must do for themselves and for the sakes of their children are here:
- Live your life! Continue working, seeing friends, partaking in yoga, the gym, church or whatever else you normally do for your own mental health! You cannot change your ex, you cannot change the court’s decisions you can only keep yourself as healthy and mentally-well as possible.
- Find an outlet. If you need to talk to someone to vent your emotions, call a friend, see a therapist or keep a journal. It’s extremely important to get your feelings, whatever they may be OUT! But never with your ex!
- MOST IMPORTANT!!! BE EVERYTHING TO YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOUR EX TELLS THEM YOU ARE NOT!!! Show up at all of their games, school events and when they are with you be your loving, caring self! Show them by your ACTIONS that the alienator is wrong!
- Never, ever, ever down talk your ex in front of your children. This may be very difficult, but it’s imperative!
- When you have to communicate with your ex, do it via email or text. Try to avoid telephone calls which can trigger emotional responses. In answering his (or her) questions, be straight-up and specific. “Yes, I did take Johnny to the doctor,” leave any trace of emotion out of it!
- If you must see your ex, be cordial civil. Perhaps this is an extreme challenge, but it is vital! They are looking for emotions or a way to “read” you, DO NOT OFFER THAT UP TO THEM!
Following these suggestions will help you and eventually will help your children see that there are discrepancies between what they are hearing from the alienator versus who you are! You love your children, they want that love in return regardless of what they are hearing. Your job is to BE THE PREDICTABLE, STABLE AND NONJUDGEMENTAL PARENT!
The most important thing for you to do is this: NEVER GIVE UP ON REUNIFYING WITH YOUR CHILD!
Stay strong and fight the right fight for your kids! They NEED YOU and YOU are WORTH IT!!!
-Leo J. Battenhausen, LCSW, LCADC
Cheating and infidelity have become commonplace in America today. Websites promote it, apps make it simple and many, many people are delving into it with no real thought about the consequences of it or any WRONG in it. Dr. Fake, sorry, I meant Phil, Jerry Springer and every other trash bag commentator that makes millions are making those millions off of people who have no conscience or thought of what is right or wrong.
Men want to know WHAT THEIR WOMAN DID, when, where, and the content of the “act.” Women want to know about the emotions involved. “What did you tell her?” And “Why did you do it?” Also, “How could you?” It’s two very different responses to one despicable act! Personally, I believe that anyone who has the ability to cheat on their “loved one” has a severe personality problem or disorder. How can they sleep at night? I mean REALLY??? What kind of POS are you? If you NEED someone else to fulfill your lustful needs, END the relationship you are in! That never happens!!
99% of divorces involve a third party. Fact! Sometimes, TOO MANY TIMES, children are involved. How sad is that?
Today, more women are having the proverbial “midlife crisis’s” than men. They raise their kids while their husbands work and feel they need to “be happier” because they are not getting what “they need” from them. Do not get me wrong! Men are JUST AS GUILTY, but a new trend is happening where women are joining gyms, getting in better shape, and finding that “magical feeling” their husbands cannot provide anymore.
They find some gym junkie or other to get “those needs met” while the guy is just interested in the sex! Two very different motivations, but equally as destructive! They chase after some fantasy of being attended to, adorned and “worshiped!” Get REAL!
They begin to change their dress, musical tastes, interests, etc., and hubby has no clue as to why! Men’s infidelity’s are easier to recognize because it’s more expected AND the money starts to dwindle! The women have more means to stay under the radar because their “new love” usually is footing the bill!
It is just sad and a sign of the technological times that shows us what and why is causing this epidemic. FaceBook has been the cause of more divorces over the past 10 years than anything else! Finding and fanning “old flames” seems to be the reason. “Checking” cell phones and emails, etc. is the most common way cheating spouses get caught!
EVERY COUPLE should allow access to each other’s cell phones, emails, social media sites, etc.. Marriages HAVE NO SECRETS! There should be no “privacy” issues! From what exactly?? Food for thought!
Love your spouse with all you have, or LEAVE! Do not put someone who loves you and believes you love them too through such horrific torture! It is just WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
America has once again suffered a horrific slaughter of innocent, God-loving people in Charleston, SC at a church gathering because of a psychopathic, evil, race-hating 21-year-old who decided that the “Blacks are taking over America” and wanted to do something about it. Twenty-one years old, and evil as the devil’s desire!
What does our President do? Blames gun-control. What REALLY HAPPENED?Socialcide: How America is Loving Itself to Death. Another empty-shell of a Millenial that wants what he wants and could care less about people, right, wrong and morality! Not a shred of empathy or consciousness in him! Not even a speck of Spirituality which most, if not all, Millenials are missing!
Many will claim he is “mentally ill.” I doubt it. He is Socially Ill or Morally Ill, but NOT “Mentally Ill!” Why? Because he planned, calculated and carried out this senseless slaughter with lucidity! The TRUE “mentally ill” would not have such ability.
Now, we are left with a nation of anger, loss of lives for NO REASON and ugliness that will ripple into our communities and thoughts because of this piece of garbage who undoubtedly spent most of his 21 years mesmerized by violent video games, diabolical internet information and some twisted “need” to fit-in where his parents failed to provide!
America, we do not need race-wars! We do not need gun control! We do not need to be divided when psychopaths like him do such disgusting, evil deeds! We DO need to unite, PARENT and be aware of the manipulation of technology and media that spoon-feeds our society into such madness!
This bastard will be held accountable for his deed and should be! However, we will only see more of this corruption and deprivation until we begin to wake up and get back to the basics in humanity and caring for each other that has been taken away from America via technology and lack of family and parenting! Spirituality is ESSENTIAL to HUMAN GROWTH yet we act as if it’s a fairy tale! The truth is EVERY CHILD IS BORN TO BE AND SEEK SPIRITUALITY yet, it’s not being supported BY society or families anymore!!!
America, we most certainly will “Love ourselves to death” if we do not act on this NOW! We cannot afford to lose ONE MORE SINGLE LIFE to a twisted mind being led by evil intentions!
God Bless the victims of the Charleston, SC slaughter and their families and friends! This was truly preventable, but we need to work TOGETHER!
The reports and coverage of police shootings are becoming the Crime de Jour lately. The media is eating these incidents up and many if not all of the various “talking heads” out there are fast to rush to judgement. I am not proposing that all of the shootings by cops are justified by any means. Some more than others and some less than others. However, I find this “epidemic” curiously suspect to a more behind the scenes type of motive.
We all understand that there has been much concern about “gun control” over the past six years. In fact, many people believe a time will come when our Second Amendment Right to “keep and bare arms” may be taken away from us along with our personal firearms by the government. That still seems quite extreme to me and I do believe that if such an action was taken on Americans the “bad guys” would still have their guns. Not to mention it would also erupt into war against the government. A “war” We The People could never win.
The problem with that possibility is that if one thinks they can fight the government even with an arsenal of weapons and ammunition, the government has bigger guns, gas bombs, and a variety of explosives that would be no match for citizens baring their arms, no matter how many. I fear that type of action will be taken eventually by our government because we are all victims of manipulation and media control, in other words, mind control. For example, think about how smoking cigarettes today compares to the attitude we had about smoking as a society say, twenty years ago. All compliments of social control. Could this happen in the case of the Second Amendment too?
Back to the police shootings. Could there be a “grooming” process occurring to plant seeds in our society’s head that would one day ban even the police from having guns? If all firearms are taken from us, and even from the police (in the UK police do not carry guns) who would “protect and serve” us? The government? I think not. But! The government then would have total control over all of us.
What protects us from our own government anyway? Nothing really, but we are forced to trust them to govern our lives, laws and liberty. Many would agree that that seems more like a fantasy than reality. Let’s face it, if they want to disarm us, no amount of AK47s are going to stop them. However, these police shootings persist and some seem even OVER EXAGGERATED to the point of making the cop appear to be a madman! Perhaps he or she is, but we can’t have “madmen” real or created carrying guns can we? No! They may shoot US some day for no good reason, even cops!
“Ignorance sure is bliss” I suppose, but I encourage all of you to not settle for “bliss” and be curious and to think for yourselves! That is exactly what it seems the government doesn’t want us to do. A mind is dangerous and perhaps the most powerful “weapon” we will ever have in our arsenal.
Perhaps I am out of my mind, but I believe Americans are becoming dehumanized, apathetic, and uncaring about what we are getting ourselves into unwittingly and blindly! America IS being “Dumbed Down,” and “programmed” to become less and less HUMAN! Why? Well, the less informed, concerned or active we are in the political decisions that are being made for us, the less power we will have as a society!
I am not convinced that the “police shootings” we see almost daily on “innocent victims” is even real! I am a skeptic. Not to say that the victims of these shootings are not REAL, but are these things “staged” in order to turn us against law enforcement so that our government can manipulate our thinking against them? (Like tobacco smokers.)
We are being dehumanized America! We must wake up and understand that media, government and the propaganda we are “fed” every day via the news is all just an enormous plan to make us STUPID! I have much more to say about this in my next book, and my desire is to help people to SAVE THEMSELVES and this once great country we live in!!!
I don’t know how else to express what my book is about, or what is going WRONG in the world today besides asking you to READ it, “Socialcide: How America is Loving Itself to Death” to understand!
The morbid and SICK CRIMES that are being committed today against children (by their PARENTS and others) and fellow humans is simply unbelievable and extremely difficult for “normal” people to digest! Yet! They become more and more normalized as time goes on!
DO NOT EXPECT the “MEDIA” to explain these! Why? Because they RELY on these horrific stories to survive, get sponsorship and BE RICH on the tragedies and monster behaviors of people! We ALL want “answers” but where do we go to get them?
Our religions don’t explain these horrific crimes. Media encourages them and we are left to wonder WHY they occur and subsequently “normalize” them into our lives. Then we isolate, protect, and insulate ourselves from the world around us out of fear for ourselves and our children. Is THAT what life is supposed to be? Living in fear and accepting monstrous behaviors as “the way it is” as long as it does not effect us?? NO!
We are ALL being blindly led into darkness! These times are nothing less than a foresight into PURE EVIL that is becoming completely expected and ALMOST accepted in our world today!
Anyone who knows me, knows I am of sound mind. However, the message in Socialcide is a MUST READ for ALL PARENTS, PEOPLE and those with even a REMOTE concern about the state of morality today! Pippa Jones, Host of Talk Radio Europe has said, “Socialcide should be compulsory reading for all parents and people today!”
I ask you PLEASE! Don’t ignore the message! We are in need of social change and enlightenment as to WHAT we are being “fed” by media, and how technology is destroying all that is good!
Visit my website at Socialcideinfo.com and learn more!
This old Elvis Presley song may have been a prophetic warning in its day! A study conducted by Bingham Young University of 3 million people from 1980 to 2014 has recently been released which found that loneliness among those 65 and younger today could be more fatal than obesity. It was also reported that the health consequences of loneliness are comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being alcoholic.
One may think in these days and times that the internet and social media have created more connectivity between people but the opposite is true. Why? These “connections” are not real and cannot replace man’s need to be interactive with others to survive. In fact, technology has been a major contributor to the potential epidemic of loneliness this study has predicted.
We are a nation and perhaps a world that has lost its “social graces” and common sense know-how when it comes to the art of conversation and connecting with other people. This is causing medical problems among us that effect our hearts and well-being, and causing us to die younger. For the first time in the history of Mankind, we are seeing proof that people can and will die of “broken hearts” because we do not socialize.
The concept of seeing our doctors regularly, exercising and taking Omega 3s to stay healthy is not cutting it anymore. Research has also connected Depression to heart disease, and Depression is expected to be the second highest diagnosed health problem WORLDWIDE by 2020, and it seems that prediction is correct! Not that Depression and loneliness are the same thing, however, there are over-laying similarities when it comes to feeling lost, unappreciated, unloved, disconnected and misunderstood.
This research is also fortified by the findings that loneliness will effect younger people rather than older. The older population has not been brought up with the faux-communication we know today as social media, texting, or email. They may feel alone at times, but that is a different concept compared to loneliness as the research said.
Another point to clarify is that time spent alone is not a bad thing. In fact, a good amount of private time is beneficial to anyone. We need it as much as we need to be a part of a community of sorts as well. The differences should be clear and understood as much as we should understand that some people choose to be “alone” because they desire such a lifestyle. It is to those who suffer because of a lack of true connection to other people that this information can be life-saving! One can be among a crowd of many and still experience loneliness. That is because being with others is not the same as being connected with others.
Our children today are forever glued to their cell phones, I Phones, I Pads, what have you and apparently receiving the “message” (pun strongly intended) that they are “communicating.” Well, they may be communication, but they are not connecting and that is the problem. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. got it right when he said, “What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” Are younger people doing that? Are there still neighbors in the “hood?” I don’t think so.
What are we to do? The best prescription for loneliness will not come in a pill (although sadly, animals are being tested by pharmaceutical companies right now trying to find a magic pill for this upcoming ‘money making’ idea)! No. We need to shut down our cell phones and computers much more, get outside, be with others, TALK with others, volunteer our time, join groups of any sort, start book clubs, walking clubs, ski clubs, game board clubs, become active in our churches, ANYTHING that encourages human relationships in person!
We need to step out of our comfortable “discomfort zones” and approach people! Yes! Approach them! Smile at them! Hold doors! Say “Thank you” and “You’re welcome!” CALL people on the phone rather than texting them or emailing them! This epidemic of loneliness is 100% preventable! However, do not expect the cruise ship of connection to dock at your front door! You must go to it!
People need people. That’s how we evolved and that is how we were created. We cannot feel alive, right or complete without interaction and purpose for and with others. Helping others is and always has been the best cure for depression, loneliness and every other alienating emotion we have or had.
It is great to be a writer! I truly LOVE writing! Always did, and I guess I always will! Words, to me are powerful, and as a writer, or author, I only want and wish for as many people as possible to appreciate what I say, and find some sense of balance or understanding of “life” in my words!
Being a “published author” however, creates a whole new sense of the art. Of course from a business point of view, I’d like to make money for what I write! That would help me just keep writing vs. any other form of employment. Believe me! I’d love nothing more than to write ALL DAY and be able to sustain myself by doing so! However…that’s a dream. It’s very, very hard if not impossible to do so! SOME do and can, Steven King comes to mind. Hillary Clinton, (though her “talent” is next to none, but she has credibility!). For the rest of us, we struggle to make a dime!
I wrote Defeating Depression: The Calm and Sense Way to FInd Happiness and Satisfaction some years ago, published in 2011, and JUST THE OTHER DAY I received a “royalty check” from the publisher for (are you ready?), $10 and change! YET, that made my day! That means the mere 7 cents per book I received from its publication “paid back” my advance from the publisher, and NOW any books that sell will pay me a SLIGHT BIT more than “seven cents,” but what does a first time published author know? Like me, I knew nothing!
Socialcide: How America is Loving Itself to Death has already paid me $46 in royalties! That’s WAY MORE in 5 months than Defeating Depression did after 4 years!!! So I am more hopeful for a bigger return with this book!
I’m not sure if anyone understands just how HARD it is to write a book. It’s “emotional ditch digging” and can make a person MAD with many things! SO MUCH goes into it all that readers may never understand! “So Much” however, that authors WANT to get their book sold after the days, weeks, months, YEARS getting it done! And because MANY crafty pickpockets are out there, they promise an author “THE WORLD” in marketing, sales, promotion, etc., and it all sounds SO GOOD!!!!! BUT! There’s always a fee.
That “fee” is never reasonable. Let’s be real here….If an author has 20-30 thousand dollars in liquid money, would they really be spending holidays, anniversaries, weekends, and every other free moment of time writing a book??? I doubt it. But my friends, that is the deal! It’s extremely difficult, to say the LEAST to market a book!
Publishers? They do NOTHING! Defeating Depression MUST have sold a LOT OF COPIES to pay back a measly $1500 “advance” at 7 cents a book since 2011 to render me a $10 “royalty” check! And speaking with “promoters” of books is equally as disheartening like I have already mentioned.
My hope and point here is that if you KNOW an author who has “self-published” their book (which today makes PERFECT SENSE as traditional “publishers” suck and ONLY accept Hillary Clintons), SUPPORT THEM!
If you are an AVID READER, SEEK OUT other authors that have busted their brains and butts putting out their most inner thoughts and emotions! THAT’S where you will find THE BEST READING and NOT SUPPORT “The Machine of Media!”
There are PLENTY of sites to find self-published authors, and GREAT WRITING!
I mean what I say but I’m also blowing off some steam. One “promoter” I spoke to the other day spoke a FANTASTIC DEAL for $21,000!!!! Yeah. Right! I’ll keep plugging Socialcide: How America is Loving Itself to Death on my own. If I had THAT amount sitting around, I’d be doing a heckova lot more READING than WRITING!